Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of burning policemen at the stake has been perpetrated by Guardian-reading do-gooders.

The Mail can reveal that Guardian-reading do-gooders are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The deputy commisioner of the Metropolitan Police said of the Guardian-reading do-gooders, "society needs to condemn a little more and understand a little less.".