The Daily Mail has learned, by imagining them, of literally BILLIONS of incidents of plotting to kidnap a senior royal, all of them involving so-called new age travellers.

In the glorious days of Michael Howerd, no hardworking family of Britain would expect to experience plotting to kidnap a senior royal, but nowadays thanks to so-called new age travellers plotting to kidnap a senior royal is an everyday occurence.

Frankly, the only thing that any sane person can say is Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets..