The terror level was raised to beige today after MI5 said that they certainly had vague yet specific intelligence about a probable certain threat that might or might not occur or not occur under certain circumstances on British soil or abroad perhaps unless another thing that might be a threat if it were to happen which it might or might not but it definitely might.

The terror plot probably involved Guardian-reading do-gooders who rumours have emerged have been involved in burning policemen at the stake since 1978.

Jacob Rees-Mogg speaking from a hotel in Barbados said, "I blame all of this on stealth taxes and permissive education in the 1960s.".