Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of causing cancer has been perpetrated by yobs wearing hoodies and baseball caps.

The Mail can reveal that yobs wearing hoodies and baseball caps are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

A homeowner said of the yobs wearing hoodies and baseball caps, "I think hanging is too good for them; Its time to consider the reintroduction of crucifiction, especially for criminals.".