Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of engaging in steamy sex romps has been perpetrated by hooligans.

The Mail can reveal that hooligans are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jim Davidson said of the hooligans, "Ban this sick filth".