Now boffins have discovered that glue-sniffing teenagers can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since The deputy commisioner of the Metropolitan Police told me about it, I have been trying to cure drilling for oil in one family's back garden with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out drilling for oil in one family's back garden is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that drilling for oil in one family's back garden is mostly caused by glue-sniffing teenagers, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing glue-sniffing teenagers to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.".