Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of injecting crack into primary school children has been perpetrated by Al Qu’aeda bosses.

The Mail can reveal that Al Qu’aeda bosses are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Theresa May said of the Al Qu’aeda bosses, "If only we had a privitised National Identity scheme this would never have happened".