Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals has been perpetrated by extremists.

The Mail can reveal that extremists are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Theresa May said of the extremists, "we are coming slowly, painfully to an autumn of understanding, I hope it will be followed by a winter of common sense.".