Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of assisting asylum seekers has been perpetrated by thugs.

The Mail can reveal that thugs are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

James May said of the thugs, "I blame all of this on stealth taxes and permissive education in the 1960s.".