Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling heroin to the unions has been perpetrated by yobs wearing hoodies and baseball caps.

The Mail can reveal that yobs wearing hoodies and baseball caps are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Boris Johnson said of the yobs wearing hoodies and baseball caps, "As I look ahead, I am filled with foreboding. Like the Roman, I seem to see the River Tiber foaming with much blood.".