Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of squatting houses left empty by families on holiday has been perpetrated by hooligans.

The Mail can reveal that hooligans are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Norris McWhirter, speaking posthumously said of the hooligans, "kill the poor".