The terror level was raised to beige today after MI5 said that they certainly had vague yet specific intelligence about a probable certain threat that might or might not occur or not occur under certain circumstances on British soil or abroad perhaps unless another thing that might be a threat if it were to happen which it might or might not but it definitely might.

The terror plot probably involved enviro-Mental-ists who rumours have emerged have been involved in selling heroin to the unions since 1978.

Amanda Platell speaking from a hotel in Barbados said, "these dole-scrounging n’er-do-wells must be eliminated at all costs.".