Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of urinating on the Union Jack has been perpetrated by hooligans.

The Mail can reveal that hooligans are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The English People said of the hooligans, "kill the commie swine".