The Mail has learned that teachers indoctrinated with sixties liberal values are responsible for using skateboards and yobbish language to molest journalists.

Has the world gone mad? Teachers indoctrinated with sixties liberal values are using skateboards and yobbish language to molest journalists with impunity. Hanging is surely too good for these no good scum. Why doesn’t the Government use all the money it has stolen from the hardworking families of Britain in stealth taxes to make amends for the situation. Probably because they are too busy lining their pockets!

The Mail spoke to Winston Churchill, speaking through a medium, who said "Its the terrorists fault. Watch my eyes. Te-rror-ists. Now I can say anything I like and you’ll think it makes sense somehow. Brilliant. Te-rror-is-ts."