Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of plotting the overthrow both of the British state and our way of life has been perpetrated by communist-sympathisers.

The Mail can reveal that communist-sympathisers are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Ian Dunkin-Donuts said of the communist-sympathisers, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".