Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals has been perpetrated by young muslim men.

The Mail can reveal that young muslim men are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The Queen said of the young muslim men, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".