The Daily Mail has learned, by imagining them, of literally BILLIONS of incidents of plotting to kidnap a senior royal, all of them involving unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace.

In the glorious days of Mr I.P.Freely of Tunbridge Wells, no hardworking family of Britain would expect to experience plotting to kidnap a senior royal, but nowadays thanks to unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace plotting to kidnap a senior royal is an everyday occurence.

Frankly, the only thing that any sane person can say is As I look ahead, I am filled with foreboding. Like the Roman, I seem to see the River Tiber foaming with much blood..