Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of squatting houses left empty by families on holiday has been perpetrated by yobs wearing hoodies and baseball caps.

The Mail can reveal that yobs wearing hoodies and baseball caps are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Angela Merkel said of the yobs wearing hoodies and baseball caps, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".