Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of burning policemen at the stake has been perpetrated by Eastern European terror gangs.

The Mail can reveal that Eastern European terror gangs are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Nick Clegg said of the Eastern European terror gangs, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".