Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of plotting the overthrow both of the British state and our way of life has been perpetrated by criminal gangs from Eastern Europe.

The Mail can reveal that criminal gangs from Eastern Europe are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Paul Dacre said of the criminal gangs from Eastern Europe, "Its the terrorists fault. Watch my eyes. Te-rror-ists. Now I can say anything I like and you’ll think it makes sense somehow. Brilliant. Te-rror-is-ts.".