Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of terrorising the elderly residents of a tranquil Gloucestershire village has been perpetrated by Guardian-reading do-gooders.

The Mail can reveal that Guardian-reading do-gooders are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The deputy commisioner of the Metropolitan Police said of the Guardian-reading do-gooders, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".