Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of urinating on the Union Jack has been perpetrated by ravers smashed out of their tiny minds on ecstasy.

The Mail can reveal that ravers smashed out of their tiny minds on ecstasy are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

James May said of the ravers smashed out of their tiny minds on ecstasy, "I think hanging is too good for them; Its time to consider the reintroduction of crucifiction, especially for criminals.".