Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of injecting crack into the kneecaps of innocent passers by has been perpetrated by followers of Hugo Chavez.

The Mail can reveal that followers of Hugo Chavez are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Theresa May said of the followers of Hugo Chavez, "a glorious thousand-year reich seems like the only practical choice to stem the tide of economic migrants".