Now boffins have discovered that followers of Hugo Chavez can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since James May told me about it, I have been trying to cure welcoming foreigners with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out welcoming foreigners is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that welcoming foreigners is mostly caused by followers of Hugo Chavez, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing followers of Hugo Chavez to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "Its the terrorists fault. Watch my eyes. Te-rror-ists. Now I can say anything I like and you’ll think it makes sense somehow. Brilliant. Te-rror-is-ts.".