With schools turning out a generation of illiterate hoodlums, crime threatening our every movement and a Government that treats criminals with kid gloves rather than forcibly immasculating them, is it any wonder that, once more Guardian-reading do-gooders have been pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals?

What is needed is some very serious discipline. We can beat sense into Guardian-reading do-gooders - all it takes is a little British spunk, some backbone and a big stick.

Instead sickos, perverts and communists are allowed to crawl the streets with impunity. Pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals must no longer be tolerated, especially when perpetrated by Guardian-reading do-gooders.

Speaking exclusively to the Mail about Guardian-reading do-gooders, Conservative head office said "these dole-scrounging n’er-do-wells must be eliminated at all costs.".