Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals has been perpetrated by lesbians.

The Mail can reveal that lesbians are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Amanda Platell said of the lesbians, "yet again these oafs have destroyed my evening.".