Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of plotting to kidnap a senior royal has been perpetrated by lesbians.

The Mail can reveal that lesbians are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Norman Tebbit said of the lesbians, "new Age travellers? Not in this age. Not in any age. Let others speak for these New Age travellers. We will speak for their victims.".