Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of squatting houses left empty by families on holiday has been perpetrated by glue-sniffing teenagers.

The Mail can reveal that glue-sniffing teenagers are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Winston Churchill, speaking through a medium said of the glue-sniffing teenagers, "a glorious thousand-year reich seems like the only practical choice to stem the tide of economic migrants".