Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of plotting to kidnap a senior royal has been perpetrated by Guardian-reading do-gooders.

The Mail can reveal that Guardian-reading do-gooders are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The Queen said of the Guardian-reading do-gooders, "I grew up in the 1930s with an unemployed father. He did not riot. He got on his bike and looked for work, and he went on looking until he found it.".