Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of terrorising innocent investment bankers has been perpetrated by Eastern European terror gangs.

The Mail can reveal that Eastern European terror gangs are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

David Cameron said of the Eastern European terror gangs, "new Age travellers? Not in this age. Not in any age. Let others speak for these New Age travellers. We will speak for their victims.".