Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of drilling for oil in one family's back garden has been perpetrated by cyberterrorists.

The Mail can reveal that cyberterrorists are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Theresa May said of the cyberterrorists, "Waterboarding is not torture".