Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of squatting houses left empty by families on holiday has been perpetrated by criminal gangs from Eastern Europe.

The Mail can reveal that criminal gangs from Eastern Europe are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Boris Johnson said of the criminal gangs from Eastern Europe, "yet again these oafs have destroyed my evening.".