Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling drugs to schoolchildren for fun has been perpetrated by Al Qu’aeda bosses.

The Mail can reveal that Al Qu’aeda bosses are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Ian Dunkin-Donuts said of the Al Qu’aeda bosses, "a glorious thousand-year reich seems like the only practical choice to stem the tide of economic migrants".