Now boffins have discovered that hooligans can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since Norman Tebbit told me about it, I have been trying to cure threatening to smash up branches of McDonalds and Starbucks with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out threatening to smash up branches of McDonalds and Starbucks is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that threatening to smash up branches of McDonalds and Starbucks is mostly caused by hooligans, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing hooligans to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "I have always said if you want a speech, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.".