Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of squatting houses left empty by families on holiday has been perpetrated by youths.

The Mail can reveal that youths are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Some bloke in the pub said of the youths, "new Age travellers? Not in this age. Not in any age. Let others speak for these New Age travellers. We will speak for their victims.".