Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of causing cancer has been perpetrated by bleeding heart liberals.

The Mail can reveal that bleeding heart liberals are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Conservative head office said of the bleeding heart liberals, "we are coming slowly, painfully to an autumn of understanding, I hope it will be followed by a winter of common sense.".