Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of terrorising the elderly residents of a tranquil Gloucestershire village has been perpetrated by chavs.

The Mail can reveal that chavs are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Margaret Thatcher said of the chavs, "We need a lot less of the passive tolerance of recent years and much more active, muscular liberalism. Especially for the blacks.".