Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of squatting houses left empty by families on holiday has been perpetrated by the unions.

The Mail can reveal that the unions are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jonathan Aitkin said of the the unions, "surely something can be done?".