The terror level was raised to beige today after MI5 said that they certainly had vague yet specific intelligence about a probable certain threat that might or might not occur or not occur under certain circumstances on British soil or abroad perhaps unless another thing that might be a threat if it were to happen which it might or might not but it definitely might.

The terror plot probably involved so-called refugees who rumours have emerged have been involved in injecting crack into primary school children since 1978.

An unnamed source speaking from a hotel in Barbados said, "I think hanging is too good for them; Its time to consider the reintroduction of crucifiction, especially for criminals.".