Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of sacrificing goats to a gilded image of Ken Livingstone has been perpetrated by coloureds.

The Mail can reveal that coloureds are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Winston Churchill, speaking through a medium said of the coloureds, "Waterboarding is not torture".