Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling drugs to schoolchildren for fun has been perpetrated by louts.

The Mail can reveal that louts are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Norman Tebbit said of the louts, "society needs to condemn a little more and understand a little less.".