Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of squatting houses left empty by families on holiday has been perpetrated by the poor.

The Mail can reveal that the poor are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

John Major said of the the poor, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".