Why, Oh Why, Oh Why do we allow Guardian-reading do-gooders such freedom? Not only are they probably communists, but Guardian-reading do-gooders have this week been revealed as destabilising the British way of life.

If only the Government and the guacomole-munchers of Islington were a little less concerned with helping Johnny-foreigner and a little more concerned with the rights of the hard working majority of our glorious Nation, then perhaps Guardian-reading do-gooders would not get away with such treachery.

That certainly seems to be the opinion of The Queen who this week said, "I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.".

So, next time you are at a dinner party and the menu involves sun dried tomatoes, just consider whether you think that destabilising the British way of life is acceptable behaviour.