Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of using skateboards and yobbish language to molest journalists has been perpetrated by Eastern European terror gangs.

The Mail can reveal that Eastern European terror gangs are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

A homeowner said of the Eastern European terror gangs, "Waterboarding is not torture".