Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of sacrificing goats to a gilded image of Ken Livingstone has been perpetrated by asylum seekers.

The Mail can reveal that asylum seekers are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Winston Churchill, speaking through a medium said of the asylum seekers, "I have always said if you want a speech, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.".