Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of helping so-called migrants has been perpetrated by cyber criminals.

The Mail can reveal that cyber criminals are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Norman Tebbit said of the cyber criminals, "If only we had a privitised National Identity scheme this would never have happened".