The Daily Mail has learned, by imagining them, of literally BILLIONS of incidents of holding illegal raves illegally in illegal fields, all of them involving Guardian-reading do-gooders.

In the glorious days of Anne Widdecombe, no hardworking family of Britain would expect to experience holding illegal raves illegally in illegal fields, but nowadays thanks to Guardian-reading do-gooders holding illegal raves illegally in illegal fields is an everyday occurence.

Frankly, the only thing that any sane person can say is If only we had a privitised National Identity scheme this would never have happened.