Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of holding illegal raves illegally in illegal fields has been perpetrated by Islamist youths.

The Mail can reveal that Islamist youths are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Vince Cable said of the Islamist youths, "was it for this politically correct insanity that I fought and died in eight world wars? I think not!".