Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling drugs to schoolchildren for fun has been perpetrated by louts.

The Mail can reveal that louts are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Paul Dacre said of the louts, "the day of the yob is upon us".