Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of urinating on the Union Jack has been perpetrated by hoody-wearing layabouts.

The Mail can reveal that hoody-wearing layabouts are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The deputy commisioner of the Metropolitan Police said of the hoody-wearing layabouts, "society needs to condemn a little more and understand a little less.".